Two steps back, Three steps forward...

2 minutes prior.
Outbound Heading, Outbound Airspeed, Outbound Altitude

MOT.
Left/Right, Time is, Set, Climb/Descend
RAGCing Navaid

Wings level.
Heading, Airspeed, Altitude, Fuel
DR cursor
Turnpoint Analysis, Time Analysis, Winds Analysis, Update ETA
Check Crab, Check Airspeed
Correlate

What's so difficult about that?
No more...
Full throttle, Ball to the wall...

I think i have that, "after all is said and done" syndrome
Everytime i am done and look back...i could have done it better...
Why did i fuck up simple procedures and get so behind the aircraft?!?!

3 major phases

1) Departure/High level timing to entry point
2) Low level/Radar leg and pop off the route
3) Recovery/Terminal phase

Focus, focus, focus...

things to do over the weekend
- get all charts done (inclu. HLT)
-get some simulator time
-mental fly departure and recovery
-do emergency procedures
-wash clothes, run, basketball, movie
-vacuum rooms and plan schedule for coming week
-write a song
-SMILE!

Jermz
1825-27apr06-20:30:38

Rain Drops

Cutting through the layers of drizzle
At the back of my mind a song is playing
Wipers wipe the tears away
But never can it completely dry

Amalgamation of joy and pain fuse in the drops
Crying is the sky and tearing is the windscreen
Like empathizing with the clouds, it tears when she cries

As this widowed heart breaks, this fragile mind aches

All this while a tune in the background

Words not heard
Eyes not seen
But the tune still melodically hums

Baptism, washing away the fears...

Everybody needs someone
Everybody needs some time
Everybody needs
Even as the drizzle turn to rain

Nothingness...

In the depths of an untune guitar
A melody of an unsung tune
Choruses of pain dwell deep within
With the constant amplification of nothingness

Across the vast skies laced with streams of leftover jet
I look hard into the sky finding something that never was there
My bloodshot eye finding reasoning for the heart
Only to find itself staring back into the transparency of the mind
For once my heart took steps...
For once the rhythm flowed...
I lay with my back to the ground
Staring at finishing line beyond the clouds

Where does tomorrow hide?
Where has today seen?
Where was yesterday?

I jerk my head to the side not wanting to go further
But the sky creeps till it stared me in the eye
My hand reaches to touch the line drawn by the earth and complimented by the vastness
And now it's retreated
I squeeze my hand, grabbing nothingness, choking the air
As it fades into the back, tears wrap around my face
Tracing a distinct line around my heart
For what i have been searching for
Was always snugged within the chest

take a walk with me...
beat in tune with the melody of an untuned guitar
There is where the ends begins and the beginning flashes a glance of the end

Where have you been?
Messing with Time...
I have been looking for him all this time...
Where is he now?
Tucked away for a moment revealing love...

He now returns...and tossing and turning...rolling over and stepping on...

Where is Love? Where does it hide?

Tearing open my chest to see it comfortably asleep

Time to wake up, my dear friend...the world awaits...


The World Waits



Time...

When the Weather Is Fine...

Today will be a L O N G day...i hope i get through this day...
Angel you sing about beautiful things and all i wanna do is believe...
Me and gravity, we never could agree...
But i traded my dreams for this massive memory...
And they just stopped working for me...

Baby steps...

For so long now...I have been fabricating and living a lie...To know for sure it wasn't just me is just so very emancipating...but now what? How many sleepless nights wondering what she is doing, if she'd remember me if we crossed in the streets, what would have come out if that step was taken...What now? I want to call her but i do not know if that's such a good idea...

If she knew me now...who i really am...what i believe in....what tunes i dance and sing to...how i am when i'm moody...what else is going on in my life...i may be taking a perfect memory and crushing it myself...But, what is life with just memories that were made and no memory making? Am i ok? I am now past the 24 hours awake period and i am just having very random weird thoughts...I was searching for love everywhere...and i was in a fall...and now, i may have been looking at all the wrong places...Am I just afraid to love? Why do i seem to be in a standstill with myself?

I pen perfectness in scripts, making imperfect scenarios with perfect endings...Why then do i feel pushed to a corner? Why can i not take the leap? If she only knew how everything was hidden away from the world...how it is to keep a secret, feelings all suppressed, subdued emotions...She would have been proud if she saw how i loved, how i respected, how i became the man i knew she'd be proud of...but then again, have i? If i have, then why have so many hearts been broken, so many tears spilled, from the first moment i saw her, then met her, then talked...the world seemed brighter somehow...

There is now an inner struggle to do the 'right' thing and to follow my heart...and they are not the one same thing...why is that? Many questions i want to answer...many feelings i want to face...if i fuck this up...i will lose the one thing that has been so pure, so simple, so perfect...Will i dissapoint her...I am major fuck up...and i'm jinx...and then there is always that corner of the room i can retreat to...

And just when i am starting a new paragraph this songs plays...and i've heard it a million times but now...more than ever it makes so much sense...

Oceans apart day after day...And I slowly go insane

I hear your voice on the line...But it doesn't stop the pain

If I see you next to never...How can we say forever?

Wherever you go.

Whatever you do.

I will be right here waiting for you.

Whatever it takes.

Or how my heart breaks.

I will be right here waiting for you.

I took for granted, all the times...That I thought would last somehow

I hear the laughter, I taste the tears...But I can't get near you now

Oh, can't you see it baby...You've got me goin' CrAzY

Wherever you go.

Whatever you do.

I will be right here waiting for you.

Whatever it takes.

Or how my heart breaks.

I will be right here waiting for you.

I wonder how we can survive...This romance

But in the end if I'm with you...I'll take the chance

Oh, can't you see it baby...You've got me goin' cRaZy

Wherever you go

Whatever you do

I will be right here waiting for you

Whatever it takes

Or how my heart breaks

I will be right here waiting for you

If you're feeling down, i'll pick you up...

Tell me more than words can say...

Take me to the place only we know...

And we'll stay there forever and a day...

If i have to live my life without ever seeing again that smile...

Then living this life is no longer any worthwhile...

Jermz-1825:21.04.06.10:21:55

...syad wef tsal eht

It is all a game...

...a game to find out if the other loves you the way you do...

...a game to be the best...

...a game that has no winners, no losers, just players...

...a game that i do not want to play anymore...

The day i stepped onto the plane and took a last glace at my life, as of 4th April 2005, it's like i stepped into a time machine...When i return, alot would have changed and as of today, i already see things changing and i'm just trying to not lose hold of it so when i go back i will not be in a culture shock again...

I've loved, been love and will love for as long as i live. I've been so sure many times that i've found the one...the one who will hold my hand when they are wrinkled, whose eyes i will still be lost in, many years down the road, the one who i will kiss, love and adore...I was so sure she'd come back into my life...Now, i feel like i've been played and i do not know what love is anymore...

It is all a cruel game...

I've played at the highest risk table and now here i am, not even sure if i am truely happy...Been told i'm a player, that i fall in love too easily, that i should not have...Now, it feels like i've lost many friends just by loving them and having been with them. HM doesn't want me to contact her for the next year or so, saying it will help her get over us. RB seems to be enjoying the life she's always wanted and i have no stand anywhere in her life. SR is still finding herself and has been scared by some bastards into ever truely loving again. JL i have lost contact with and i want to find what she's been up to. LT is happy with her guy. YS is planning to wed my buddy. CD is getting by. AN has found the one or at least that's what she makes everyone believe. SN the last i heard is ball to the wall in her career path.

As for me, in the very much appropriate words by RB, i'm still in the "neverending quest for love".

I do not care to get married, do not care for my happiness, do not know what lies ahead...All i've ever wanted dating my exes was to find a friend, someone who believes in me, someone who will love me when shit hits the fan, someone i can talk to for hours and take strolls along the beach with. Someone who appreciates the music i make, the job that i do, the commitments i have and who will share dreams with me. Someone who doesn't need a word to know what i feel. Someone i can be friends with forever. What has all my past relationships thought me? I am a pompous ass, a horrible bf, a person who believes strongly in things no one cares for, a person who is too damn random, a person, dare i say, is afraid of love...

When i return i will meet these parts of my past again and feelings will flow through my soul and questions through my head...How many of them i have dissapointed? How many have i hurt? How many have i not been brave enough to stay behind with? Was it all a waste of time? I will look into their eyes and see their souls again...And i will be wishing them from the bottom of my heart, happiness and contentment. But most of all, i will be wishing them love...the love i could never give and not yet know...

When i step off the plane, when i return to my motherland, i will see life with new eyes...With all the experiences i have gone through, all i want is to return to the past...When i was free, when i was myself, when life was mine alone...when i was lying to myself...Everyone wants to know themselves, everyone wants to be loved, everyone wants to be sure...but is anyone?

Whenever i read the words that have been written, the words that have been said, the kisses that have been given...it all feels like a huge lie...

Where is the one? I know she is out there? I know she knows i exist and she is waiting for me...She stares at a particular star at night and knows i am looking at that same star, she sees couples in the streets and knows one day we will be, she listens to music on the radio and sings and dances to it freely, she knows and loves the fact that i play the guitar and that i believe strongly in love, she knows i would give up everything for her, she will forgive my past, love my present and cannot wait to begin a future with me...

Even now i get that piercing feeling in my heart, the pins and needles feeling, i feel sad for no apparent reason, and smile ramdomly when i see a child's face, an elderly person impersonating, the unscrewed salt bottle on the table, and when i have wind blowing through my fingers...and then i think of her, the one i have not seen, and i know she's down, or she's happy and i share that moment with her...and she feels me...

I will return and fly the fastest vehicle Singapore has, tearing through the skies, breaking the sound barrier, and washing fish tanks, going on trips to widen my horizon, painting my room and packing my stuff...and between it all, i will be thinking of her...

What is she doing now?

Does she think of me?

Will she give up knowing?

When will i see her?

Have i already met her?

How will we get together?

Who is this girl?

Siempre Insemia Angie Divisi

As i lay me down to sleep, i pray the lord my soul to keep.
If i should die before i wake, i pray the lord my soul to take...

Jermz

Ok, enough of the teasing already...

Firstly, whatever it is...relax...it really could have been much worse...think of how bad it could have turned out and then realise it's not that bad...and Secondly, enough of the teasing already... i guess after thinking about it, i realise i cross the line abit too fast all the damn time...so now, here's me taking a couple of steps back...This week has been one crazy one...i actually got to get more than average amount of sleep, got to talk to her more than usual and got alot of things done...all i need to do now is study...

People who claim their love just are really bad about showing it huh? Can one just let go of someone she knows is not hers anymore? Someone she can no longer make use of and manipulate? Can a guy really not know what love is though he claims to have fallen in love many times? Relax...i'm just wondering the likelihood of someone who claims to love contacting the person they claim to love...I mean how can one continue living without having the one they love near or at least contactable?

Jermz out

...efil eligarf eht

The two new guys have arrived...giving all here a new lease on life...Sean and Chiyu...Chiyu who is Wayne's buddy who Wayne told me to look out for...Chiyu really reminds me of bernard and i think i have met Sean somewhere before...anyway, went to the commissary to stock up on food then accompanied the guys to Rex's place cos HongYe's car had some problems...apparently smoking...went to Outback for din din with the guys and had myself a grilled shrimp combo...(feel so bad cos i was fasting the whole morning but when we got there was so hungry...buai tahan...ahaha...well, it was good...then found out from Kesmond that one of our coursemates, an american who got selected for E-2C Hawkeyes was found dead in his room...Tewinkle...a jolly, happy go lucky guy...really got a shock because it seemed like just a couple of weeks ago when i last saw him...life is so fragile...must live it to the max...no more hiding in my shell all day...when did i start retreating i didn't even realised...

Came home, chatted to her for awhile...exchanged some songs...got to know each other a little bit better...tried to make her trip...tripped all over myself...damn...these days she's getting pretty sharp...downloading even more movies and songs...and just can't seem to sleep again...it really seems like the pace is going to pick up 3 folds...need to refocus and concentrate...tomorrow, will be heading over to HongYe's to do some laundry and then go for some interval training...need and must get my gold for IPPT...and then must get more gas for the car and kick my butt to get some studying done...feeling abit slackish lately...

Was just surfing the net and chanced upon some of my poly mate's blogs...so not funny loh...they seem to be having a great time being free...and i'm still stuck in the military...which is draining my life slowly but surely...I miss home, miss my friends, miss my bike, miss my sofa...and i'm just imagining what it would be like if i were in fact in Singapore right now...hmm...i think i need some changes in my life...need to just get up and do what makes me happy...can't please the world forever and cannot always wait till later...must be a more NOW person...where did the passion go...when did the fire for life i had extinguish...i need change...i need to change...

will i leave behind a legacy, should i? could i? must i? Life is staring me in the face and i'm just walking away...i've had this feeling before...what's stopping me? why am i not what i used to be...free and carefree...Show me the next step and i'll take it...

Jeron - to see the world now...to experience life now...

I've been blessed by the power of love...

Nothing left to hide...Let me be the one who kisses away your tears...I will be your fool for another day if you let me...I used to be sure of myself...now you have shaken the stable ground beneath my feet...I will be myself with you and i will not lie...When i first laid eyes on you...i could barely breathe...Stuck in the moment everytime i hear your voice now...I can be your music and you can be my lyrics...You can do no wrong...Let's go star gazing so i can gaze into your eyes....I still see you walking beside me in the rain...I see all i need when i see into your eyes...You looked away once...but i will never take my eyes off of you...You can look away as much as you want but know i am beside you always...I thank God i met u, I thank God when i hear your voice, I thank God for you...We may not be meant to be...But for now...you're all i'll been waiting for...I am not one of those guys who will promise you the moon or even the stars...All i can give you is love...and if i can be loved by you...I will be the luckiest man ever and my goal will be to make you cry......only tears of joy...For today you are you and i am i...and i cannot wait for us to be Jeron and Sharmaine...I want to go through life with you...the ups, the down...For me, right here...right now...There's......Nothing left to hide...

This cannot be anymore embarassing....

Ok, stop laughing now! I know what's going through your mind...and yes, brain matter was all over the ceiling...when i found out that is...

Boy, isn't this just like the biggest embarassment ever...

Imagine professing to someone you thought was someone else and ended up actually professing to a buddy only to have both your buddy and the one know about it...arghh....

The problems with callsigns and nicknames...

Ok, well, Sue i'll get you for this one...but i know it was not like a planned thing but more so a stupidity thing on my part...BUT YOU CAUSED IT!! Soon, the jedi yoda will find his way to get back...till then...BEWARE THE SLEEPING TIGER...

hahaha

had a really good hearty laugh for about an hour now...thinking about it still cracks me up...thank God i'm a million miles away...

Well, as long as SHE knows i was referring to her...that's all that matters...

Jermz Out!

She's Everything...

She's Everything
She's a yellow pair of running shoes
A holey pair of jeans
She looks great in cheap sunglasses
She looks great in anything
She's I want a piece of chocolate
Take me to a movie
She's I can't find a thing to wear
Now and then she's moody

She's a Saturn with a sunroof
With her brown hair a-blowing
She's a soft place to land
And a good feeling knowing
She's a warm conversation
That I wouldn't miss for nothing
She's a fighter when she's mad
And she's a lover when she's loving

And she's everything I ever wanted
And everything I need
I talk about her, I go on and on and on'
Cause she's everything to me


She's a Saturday out on the town
And a church girl on Sunday
She's a cross around her neck
And a cuss word 'cause its Monday
She's a bubble bath and candles
Baby come and kiss me
She's a one glass of wine
And she's feeling kinda tipsy

She's the giver I wish I could be
And the stealer of the covers
She's a picture in my wallet
Of my unborn children's mother
She's the hand that I'm holding
When I'm on my knees and praying
She's the answer to my prayer
And she's the song that I'm playing

And she's everything I ever wanted
And everything I need
I talk about her, I go on and on and on'
Cause she's everything to me

She's the voice I love to hear
Someday when I'm ninety
She's that wooden rocking chair
I want rocking right beside me
Everyday that passes I only love her more
Yeah, she's the one
That I'd lay down my own life for

And she's everything I ever wanted
And everything I need
She's everything to me
Yeah she's everything to me
Everything I ever wanted
And everything I need
She's everything to me

Tomorrow never seemed so close...Yesterday was never this far...

Take me away on your flight of bewilderment
And show me everything i need to know
At our trysting place we shall embrace
Intertwine, conjugate and grow

The possibilities stare me in the face
Seeing yesterday had never been this far
Why tomorrow seems ever so close
To me the thought of us is just bizarre

Emboldened by the dreams of a dreamer
Every waking moment makes things real
Feeling your voice and hearing your smiles
The thought of loving again seems so surreal

I want to hold your hand and feel your hair so soft
See things for the first time through your eyes
I've never been so happy being me
To you, myself, i will not disguise

- JeRoN 1825130406 -

On time, on target..well, almost...

1st RNAV...hit target within 2 seconds late of cos...
2nd RNAV...hit target within 2 seconds also but this time early...
3rd RNAV and my check ride flight...hit target but 6 seconds early....

Argh...what is hapening...doesn't practice make perfect....damn...still passed though but dissapointed in myself...i know i could have done better...nailed the winds for all the Radar Nav though which is good, good, good...things seem to be looking up...must be the oleander and her infectious smiles and laughter...

Although i so want to call her and chat...(yes, we are really chatty...), i know she has her exams coming and she knows i'm busy...(hmm....still got time to blog....) really busy....just taking a break from studying and having a bit of food...got another flight tomorrow so tonight's going to be a long night...(oh yeah, if you do read this....and you know who you are...go get some Essence of Chicken...helps with the concentration...tested and proven but must be taken at least 6 hours before you feel the effect...)

So far it has been a 'pleasantly surprised' kind of a roller coaster ride...get home to be 'pleasantly surprised' that she made a comment...(was hoping she would) and then was learning a Frank Sinatra classic and was 'pleasantly surprised' when she said she liked it...ahh...feels good to be appreciated huh? ok lamer i know...and i am also always 'pleasantly surprised' when i get to talk to her and our conversations have so much to it...i'm beginning to be myself again...you know how it is...initially, you talk weird, trying not to sound silly, then you think about how to break the ice, and then you get cold feet when you actually hear her voice...well, good thing is, she's as goofy as me and we can talk about anything under the sun...

You know how i hate reading....well, i know this girl is special when she told me to read "memoirs of a geisha" and i thought to myself "holy crap, this is going to take forever" then i got it and read it and now, embarassingly, i kinda enjoy reading...never thought i would but hey, there's a first for everything right? So, last weekend i went to wallmart and got "DaVinci's code" which i have been told is crappy but i just had to find out for myself...(you'd think i'd wait for the movie and catch it when it becomes downloadable right...well, wrong). I now see the difference, in a book, you get pulled away into another dimension and if the writer is good enough, he/she will set up the scenario well enough for you to imagine it...and everyone has a different way of looking at it....ok, enough i don't like hearing what i am saying...

in the words of Matthew Guest :"That's just gay!"

So now, where do i go from here...i somehow feel that i'm finding myself just by knowing this white oleander...she's so capable and so much lies ahead of her...i hope things work out...

ok, for the white oleander - here's where you stop...don't want your head to get any bigger...hahaha

Name: Jeron Sharmaine
Age: 24
D.O.B.: 24 May 1982

ok, now stop reading...


An amiable girl who is easy to talk too and loads of fun to crap with. Has a great smile that will brighten anyone’s day. Very adorable in the morning just after she wakes up and a sweetheart just before she goes to bed. Is alright with messy but the mess but be organised. Sees beauty in chaos. Has a very bold front and has been sighted rampaging through anything that gets in her way when mad, though really a sentimental at heart. Has a good taste for music but likewise cannot be said in her taste in men. Like fragile china, bold and beautiful, must be handled with care, and very intricate in design. Stare not into her eyes, for she has those stolen from Medusa. She will captivate you with a glance and leave you breathless. Caution: After having a long fruitful conversation with her, she will leave you wanting more and here phonebills can escalate even without you knowing or giving a rat’s ass about it. Loves the weird tasting foods (this is a plus point), pork floss in bread “with lots of butter”, anything from a shell, and is always up for anything new to tickle her taste buds. Also, a very sporting individual who loves the outdoors and any kind of sea sports. Be advised though, this girl can whip your ass from her training being in a canoe team in her prime days.

told you to stop reading...you brains are now probably splatted all over the ceiling from the bloatedness...hey, if i've made any mistakes in what i've stated right...don't be pissed ok...it's really not that i 'bo sim', but more so...you know what my memory is like...you know right, i deliberately wrote all these down, knowing you will read em and just knowing it will put a smile on your face (or at least i think it will) makes my day all the more worth it...

ok, now you must really stop reading...






...who is that behind you?...





stop!!! ok fine, i'm ending here then - Bleah!! (call me childish, or what ever you want...i don't hear it...i'm too far away...hahaha lame you say? still don't hear it...)




miss ya...can't wait for the weekend...



Jermz

Holy Week...a new start...

I've been made a fool and i know it now...she doesn't care...not a call, not a mail, no efforts to say hi or see how i am doing...i am nothing to her...silly me for believeing her lies...yesterday was the start of a whole new week for me...a whole new year...went to service the car, went to exercise, washed my car, washed my laundry, bought groceries...

This week i intended to see if we were meant to be...i threw out the idea and prayed...that we would meet no matter what happened and that would prove everything i needed to know...it didn't happen and i'm not the least bit saddened...i have moved on like so many i've come to meet over the last few months...

I always had a couple of days where i will just blank out and shut myself from the world everytime i know i'll be losing a friend or a girl who might have been the one...this time there wasn't a day...he let me meet her most uncanningly...and by holy week, we have grown a part of each other's daily affair and not having talked to her for a day seems incomplete...

Put us together and you get Jeron and Sharmaine...both from very different upbringings, very different views on life, very different likings and behaviours...but having been talking to her for hours on the phone everytime we get to talk, she has brought me back to days when i behave like a kid before Xmas day, anticipating the opening of the presents, on a daily basis...she is a really good friend and buddy...and if she is the one...the lord will decide and i will know...if not...he has indeed brought me a friend i know i want to keep forever...baby steps...

Maundy Thursday, Good Friday, Holy Saturday and Easter Sunday...help me not tread on dangerous lands but if i must, guide me and show me the way lord...

I hear her voice in her mind, i know her face by heart
Heaven and Earth are moving in my soul, i don't know where to start
Tell me, tell me the words to define the way i feel about someone so fine
How do you talk to an angel? how do you hold her close to where you are?
How do you talk to an angel? it's like trying to catch a falling star

At night i dream, and she is there
And i can feel her in the air
Tell me, tell me the words to define the way i feel about someone so fine
How do you talk to an angel? how do you hold her close to where you are?
How do you talk to an angel? it's like trying to catch a falling star

Another long week ahead...another truckload of shit pulling in at my doorstep, in the words of the wise...

Take your time...Do not rush, what's your hurry?

I hope she feels the same way...

Jermz

When you know you're the fool...

ok, i know this is way ahead on my timeline but i just couldn't sleep and today didn't go as well as i would have hoped...but life goes on...and with every fall, the scars become bigger and the pain lessens...failure is the mother of all successes...

Like any normal day, i woke up early today and went about my planning for my flight, checked in with the squadron and went in early to meet Matt to do some simualtors...went to sonic for a quick drive in lunch and then back home to take a quick nap while waiting for Matt to come over to finish up with planning...so far...so good....

Then rushed back to squadron to do up the briefing board and was very confident things would go well....well, it didn't...missed a few questions that i knew the answers to...shouldn't have...bad start to the flight...then realised my flashlight didn't work...bummer...it only gets worse...

Went for the flight knowing i was well ahead of the game...guess who was wrong...made silly mistakes i never made before...not like me at all...yes, this is a self beat up session...trying to get me back on earth...i think a major part of my fuck up today was my over confidence...argh....

then i came back past midnight and just needed someone to talk to...someone to cheer me up...then i realised i might have been made a fool...no i should say...i let myself be the fool...i believe strongly that everyone has that special someone out there...i think for myself i lied to myself thinking there is one for me...i somehow know now...there isn't...

Highlights of the day...Stanley, the 'Viper Kid'...my ocs buddy calls me out of the blue to ask how things are going...really good guy...always made my day back in Ocs with his quirkiness...why 'Viper Kid'? well, in our first week in Ocs, coming from different companies in Bmt, when we were knocked down, we had to do this silly ritual of clapping our hands twice and shouting our company's name...i was from hawk company in bmt and stanley was from viper...and even being reprimanded and told to recover and knock it down again after shouting 'VIPER' instead of our new company 'BRAVO'...he clapped his hands and went 'VIPER'...so initial impression was..."this guy has balls" but getting to know him...i realised he's just a whacked as i am...hahaha...now he's with the navy and doing pretty well...miss that chap

Then i got a mail from Louis, my air grading cadet who is on his way to getting his wings...lost touched after we split up and he went on to training to be a pilot and i came over here to train to be a WSO FTR...it's nice to know real friends are always there...and it made me guilty for not keeping in contact with them...

so there...a brief summary of my day...just needed to get it off my chest...

today, i was a hundred miles behind the aircraft playing catch up
yesterday, there was hope of reconciliation
today, i am a hundred miles away from her
tomorrow, reconciliation will be a thing of the past...

my heart says stay, my head says go
if she ever loved me, i will never know
if she loves me now, it really doesn't show
when she decides to stay...my answer would have already been no

the song i started putting together has a great flow to it...
the chords go together and the words make the notes
now i've reached the chorus and at the emphiphany of the story
and i'm at a loss of how to tighten the bolts

i sit at my laptop as the screen brightens the room
trying to pour out my soul with words that have no meaning
my head hurts, my heart bleeds, my fingers drag along the keys
my eyes bloodshot from the tears that do not weep
i try to organise my thoughts, my feelings and my words
and put into perspective what i have and what i don't
i came into this world naked from a womb
i sit at my laptop as darkness enfolds the room

What i need i do not have and what i want i will never get...
I get what i am told i need and have everything i do not want...
When i ran today, my back was facing the future...
so i sat down, thought, felt, and got up...
Now my back i cannot see and i'm seeing everything for the first time...

tomorrow will be a better day...the last words i hear her say
as i rampage though the words that stab...all i get is tomorrow will be a better's day...
name a price for love and i would gladly pay,
name a price for forgiveness and i would gladly pay,
name a price for trust and i would gladly pay,
name a price for commitment and few have enough money...

the light at the end of the tunnel...is a train coming towards you...
the peak of a mountain is the beginning of a downhill...
so...never enter a tunnel and never begin a climb...always go around...
if you're always down...everything is an up...
and if it ever gets dark...switch on the lights...

ok...entering crappiness stage...time to sleep, time to dream, time to hope, wish, pray...

what i have, you gave to me...what i become...i give to you...
you start the mission, i carry it out, we debrief...you end it...

Lord, i offer my life to you...

JErmz