Makeups of a Person i hardly knew...
Sitting on the veranda, watching the sunset behind the tress, knowing one day i would think back of that day and knew how i felt then. Why was i so angry? Why could i feel the heat in my eyes as tears poured freely down my cheek? Why did i beat him up? I stared at my swollen fist from punching my fist against the ground. Why did i become the guy i hated the most? I sat for hours as the flames of the sun and of my heart died down...
I hadn't done anything that evening...I knew i would be screwed the next day for not having done my assignments. Not by the teacher of course but by having to stay back for the weekend when that bitch reports me to my supervisor...I didn't care...I hug my guitar to sleep that night, remembering the first day my mum bought it for me...I stared at the ceiling fan as i felt the wind dry the tears that were flowing from the side of my face. No snickering, no sobs...just a cold cry and a heart that was pierced by a thousand swords...I never knew who i was...i never understood why i was so unloved by my flesh and blood...i thought about Jolene and how i had messed up our relationship...i wanted to abscond...but where would i go...This place sucks...I dreamed of a life far away, beyond the ocean that i've never seen...beyond all that seemed so surreal...
I walked to the back of the cubicles in the toilet, a toilet we used to bath in, where the bath cubicles had no doors and were facing the toilet bowls, where a urinal was shared and there was only cold water...the toilet we had to scrub with our hands every week before we went home, and smelt of clorine the whole damn weekend...i sat down and peered through the small opening that showed the path out of the hellhole...i lit a cigarette..."if they were going to cane me, at least i had my last ciggie..." Boys looked up to me...i couldn't be responsible if they were lead astray by my actions...i did not want to be like my dad...i couldn't...then i would be no better than he was...i need to cool down...i need to stop being so angry with everyone...I chose silence that night...i would never say how i felt...i would never speak of my pain and loneliness...no one would ever know me...not even myself.................................................................
Last night, i sat in my car, a million miles away from where i came from...smoking a cigarette and staring at the moon...who am i? Why am i here? Am i ever going to let anyone into my life? Or must i still put on this front that i have everything under control and all is fine and dandy? Who would care? Who would understand? Who would make me know me? Then, i got flashbacks of the day i flew across my room when my dad slapped me..."you know he's always like that...fuck him..." Jerel's words consoled me...he understood how i felt...i cannot let my guard down...i would be seen as weak...never...never...
I watch people walk by, smiling, living life...and i wonder...am i all alone in this world? Why am i slow? Where has all my social skills gone to? Have i ever had it or was it just people talking to me because they pitied me?...never....never....
I hadn't done anything that evening...I knew i would be screwed the next day for not having done my assignments. Not by the teacher of course but by having to stay back for the weekend when that bitch reports me to my supervisor...I didn't care...I hug my guitar to sleep that night, remembering the first day my mum bought it for me...I stared at the ceiling fan as i felt the wind dry the tears that were flowing from the side of my face. No snickering, no sobs...just a cold cry and a heart that was pierced by a thousand swords...I never knew who i was...i never understood why i was so unloved by my flesh and blood...i thought about Jolene and how i had messed up our relationship...i wanted to abscond...but where would i go...This place sucks...I dreamed of a life far away, beyond the ocean that i've never seen...beyond all that seemed so surreal...
I walked to the back of the cubicles in the toilet, a toilet we used to bath in, where the bath cubicles had no doors and were facing the toilet bowls, where a urinal was shared and there was only cold water...the toilet we had to scrub with our hands every week before we went home, and smelt of clorine the whole damn weekend...i sat down and peered through the small opening that showed the path out of the hellhole...i lit a cigarette..."if they were going to cane me, at least i had my last ciggie..." Boys looked up to me...i couldn't be responsible if they were lead astray by my actions...i did not want to be like my dad...i couldn't...then i would be no better than he was...i need to cool down...i need to stop being so angry with everyone...I chose silence that night...i would never say how i felt...i would never speak of my pain and loneliness...no one would ever know me...not even myself.................................................................
Last night, i sat in my car, a million miles away from where i came from...smoking a cigarette and staring at the moon...who am i? Why am i here? Am i ever going to let anyone into my life? Or must i still put on this front that i have everything under control and all is fine and dandy? Who would care? Who would understand? Who would make me know me? Then, i got flashbacks of the day i flew across my room when my dad slapped me..."you know he's always like that...fuck him..." Jerel's words consoled me...he understood how i felt...i cannot let my guard down...i would be seen as weak...never...never...
I watch people walk by, smiling, living life...and i wonder...am i all alone in this world? Why am i slow? Where has all my social skills gone to? Have i ever had it or was it just people talking to me because they pitied me?...never....never....
posted by Jeron & Sharmaine at 8/31/2006 03:30:00 pm
0 Comments:
Post a Comment
<< Home