...syad wef tsal eht

It is all a game...

...a game to find out if the other loves you the way you do...

...a game to be the best...

...a game that has no winners, no losers, just players...

...a game that i do not want to play anymore...

The day i stepped onto the plane and took a last glace at my life, as of 4th April 2005, it's like i stepped into a time machine...When i return, alot would have changed and as of today, i already see things changing and i'm just trying to not lose hold of it so when i go back i will not be in a culture shock again...

I've loved, been love and will love for as long as i live. I've been so sure many times that i've found the one...the one who will hold my hand when they are wrinkled, whose eyes i will still be lost in, many years down the road, the one who i will kiss, love and adore...I was so sure she'd come back into my life...Now, i feel like i've been played and i do not know what love is anymore...

It is all a cruel game...

I've played at the highest risk table and now here i am, not even sure if i am truely happy...Been told i'm a player, that i fall in love too easily, that i should not have...Now, it feels like i've lost many friends just by loving them and having been with them. HM doesn't want me to contact her for the next year or so, saying it will help her get over us. RB seems to be enjoying the life she's always wanted and i have no stand anywhere in her life. SR is still finding herself and has been scared by some bastards into ever truely loving again. JL i have lost contact with and i want to find what she's been up to. LT is happy with her guy. YS is planning to wed my buddy. CD is getting by. AN has found the one or at least that's what she makes everyone believe. SN the last i heard is ball to the wall in her career path.

As for me, in the very much appropriate words by RB, i'm still in the "neverending quest for love".

I do not care to get married, do not care for my happiness, do not know what lies ahead...All i've ever wanted dating my exes was to find a friend, someone who believes in me, someone who will love me when shit hits the fan, someone i can talk to for hours and take strolls along the beach with. Someone who appreciates the music i make, the job that i do, the commitments i have and who will share dreams with me. Someone who doesn't need a word to know what i feel. Someone i can be friends with forever. What has all my past relationships thought me? I am a pompous ass, a horrible bf, a person who believes strongly in things no one cares for, a person who is too damn random, a person, dare i say, is afraid of love...

When i return i will meet these parts of my past again and feelings will flow through my soul and questions through my head...How many of them i have dissapointed? How many have i hurt? How many have i not been brave enough to stay behind with? Was it all a waste of time? I will look into their eyes and see their souls again...And i will be wishing them from the bottom of my heart, happiness and contentment. But most of all, i will be wishing them love...the love i could never give and not yet know...

When i step off the plane, when i return to my motherland, i will see life with new eyes...With all the experiences i have gone through, all i want is to return to the past...When i was free, when i was myself, when life was mine alone...when i was lying to myself...Everyone wants to know themselves, everyone wants to be loved, everyone wants to be sure...but is anyone?

Whenever i read the words that have been written, the words that have been said, the kisses that have been given...it all feels like a huge lie...

Where is the one? I know she is out there? I know she knows i exist and she is waiting for me...She stares at a particular star at night and knows i am looking at that same star, she sees couples in the streets and knows one day we will be, she listens to music on the radio and sings and dances to it freely, she knows and loves the fact that i play the guitar and that i believe strongly in love, she knows i would give up everything for her, she will forgive my past, love my present and cannot wait to begin a future with me...

Even now i get that piercing feeling in my heart, the pins and needles feeling, i feel sad for no apparent reason, and smile ramdomly when i see a child's face, an elderly person impersonating, the unscrewed salt bottle on the table, and when i have wind blowing through my fingers...and then i think of her, the one i have not seen, and i know she's down, or she's happy and i share that moment with her...and she feels me...

I will return and fly the fastest vehicle Singapore has, tearing through the skies, breaking the sound barrier, and washing fish tanks, going on trips to widen my horizon, painting my room and packing my stuff...and between it all, i will be thinking of her...

What is she doing now?

Does she think of me?

Will she give up knowing?

When will i see her?

Have i already met her?

How will we get together?

Who is this girl?

Siempre Insemia Angie Divisi

As i lay me down to sleep, i pray the lord my soul to keep.
If i should die before i wake, i pray the lord my soul to take...

Jermz