When you know you're the fool...

ok, i know this is way ahead on my timeline but i just couldn't sleep and today didn't go as well as i would have hoped...but life goes on...and with every fall, the scars become bigger and the pain lessens...failure is the mother of all successes...

Like any normal day, i woke up early today and went about my planning for my flight, checked in with the squadron and went in early to meet Matt to do some simualtors...went to sonic for a quick drive in lunch and then back home to take a quick nap while waiting for Matt to come over to finish up with planning...so far...so good....

Then rushed back to squadron to do up the briefing board and was very confident things would go well....well, it didn't...missed a few questions that i knew the answers to...shouldn't have...bad start to the flight...then realised my flashlight didn't work...bummer...it only gets worse...

Went for the flight knowing i was well ahead of the game...guess who was wrong...made silly mistakes i never made before...not like me at all...yes, this is a self beat up session...trying to get me back on earth...i think a major part of my fuck up today was my over confidence...argh....

then i came back past midnight and just needed someone to talk to...someone to cheer me up...then i realised i might have been made a fool...no i should say...i let myself be the fool...i believe strongly that everyone has that special someone out there...i think for myself i lied to myself thinking there is one for me...i somehow know now...there isn't...

Highlights of the day...Stanley, the 'Viper Kid'...my ocs buddy calls me out of the blue to ask how things are going...really good guy...always made my day back in Ocs with his quirkiness...why 'Viper Kid'? well, in our first week in Ocs, coming from different companies in Bmt, when we were knocked down, we had to do this silly ritual of clapping our hands twice and shouting our company's name...i was from hawk company in bmt and stanley was from viper...and even being reprimanded and told to recover and knock it down again after shouting 'VIPER' instead of our new company 'BRAVO'...he clapped his hands and went 'VIPER'...so initial impression was..."this guy has balls" but getting to know him...i realised he's just a whacked as i am...hahaha...now he's with the navy and doing pretty well...miss that chap

Then i got a mail from Louis, my air grading cadet who is on his way to getting his wings...lost touched after we split up and he went on to training to be a pilot and i came over here to train to be a WSO FTR...it's nice to know real friends are always there...and it made me guilty for not keeping in contact with them...

so there...a brief summary of my day...just needed to get it off my chest...

today, i was a hundred miles behind the aircraft playing catch up
yesterday, there was hope of reconciliation
today, i am a hundred miles away from her
tomorrow, reconciliation will be a thing of the past...

my heart says stay, my head says go
if she ever loved me, i will never know
if she loves me now, it really doesn't show
when she decides to stay...my answer would have already been no

the song i started putting together has a great flow to it...
the chords go together and the words make the notes
now i've reached the chorus and at the emphiphany of the story
and i'm at a loss of how to tighten the bolts

i sit at my laptop as the screen brightens the room
trying to pour out my soul with words that have no meaning
my head hurts, my heart bleeds, my fingers drag along the keys
my eyes bloodshot from the tears that do not weep
i try to organise my thoughts, my feelings and my words
and put into perspective what i have and what i don't
i came into this world naked from a womb
i sit at my laptop as darkness enfolds the room

What i need i do not have and what i want i will never get...
I get what i am told i need and have everything i do not want...
When i ran today, my back was facing the future...
so i sat down, thought, felt, and got up...
Now my back i cannot see and i'm seeing everything for the first time...

tomorrow will be a better day...the last words i hear her say
as i rampage though the words that stab...all i get is tomorrow will be a better's day...
name a price for love and i would gladly pay,
name a price for forgiveness and i would gladly pay,
name a price for trust and i would gladly pay,
name a price for commitment and few have enough money...

the light at the end of the tunnel...is a train coming towards you...
the peak of a mountain is the beginning of a downhill...
so...never enter a tunnel and never begin a climb...always go around...
if you're always down...everything is an up...
and if it ever gets dark...switch on the lights...

ok...entering crappiness stage...time to sleep, time to dream, time to hope, wish, pray...

what i have, you gave to me...what i become...i give to you...
you start the mission, i carry it out, we debrief...you end it...

Lord, i offer my life to you...

JErmz