Baby steps...

For so long now...I have been fabricating and living a lie...To know for sure it wasn't just me is just so very emancipating...but now what? How many sleepless nights wondering what she is doing, if she'd remember me if we crossed in the streets, what would have come out if that step was taken...What now? I want to call her but i do not know if that's such a good idea...

If she knew me now...who i really am...what i believe in....what tunes i dance and sing to...how i am when i'm moody...what else is going on in my life...i may be taking a perfect memory and crushing it myself...But, what is life with just memories that were made and no memory making? Am i ok? I am now past the 24 hours awake period and i am just having very random weird thoughts...I was searching for love everywhere...and i was in a fall...and now, i may have been looking at all the wrong places...Am I just afraid to love? Why do i seem to be in a standstill with myself?

I pen perfectness in scripts, making imperfect scenarios with perfect endings...Why then do i feel pushed to a corner? Why can i not take the leap? If she only knew how everything was hidden away from the world...how it is to keep a secret, feelings all suppressed, subdued emotions...She would have been proud if she saw how i loved, how i respected, how i became the man i knew she'd be proud of...but then again, have i? If i have, then why have so many hearts been broken, so many tears spilled, from the first moment i saw her, then met her, then talked...the world seemed brighter somehow...

There is now an inner struggle to do the 'right' thing and to follow my heart...and they are not the one same thing...why is that? Many questions i want to answer...many feelings i want to face...if i fuck this up...i will lose the one thing that has been so pure, so simple, so perfect...Will i dissapoint her...I am major fuck up...and i'm jinx...and then there is always that corner of the room i can retreat to...

And just when i am starting a new paragraph this songs plays...and i've heard it a million times but now...more than ever it makes so much sense...

Oceans apart day after day...And I slowly go insane

I hear your voice on the line...But it doesn't stop the pain

If I see you next to never...How can we say forever?

Wherever you go.

Whatever you do.

I will be right here waiting for you.

Whatever it takes.

Or how my heart breaks.

I will be right here waiting for you.

I took for granted, all the times...That I thought would last somehow

I hear the laughter, I taste the tears...But I can't get near you now

Oh, can't you see it baby...You've got me goin' CrAzY

Wherever you go.

Whatever you do.

I will be right here waiting for you.

Whatever it takes.

Or how my heart breaks.

I will be right here waiting for you.

I wonder how we can survive...This romance

But in the end if I'm with you...I'll take the chance

Oh, can't you see it baby...You've got me goin' cRaZy

Wherever you go

Whatever you do

I will be right here waiting for you

Whatever it takes

Or how my heart breaks

I will be right here waiting for you

If you're feeling down, i'll pick you up...

Tell me more than words can say...

Take me to the place only we know...

And we'll stay there forever and a day...

If i have to live my life without ever seeing again that smile...

Then living this life is no longer any worthwhile...

Jermz-1825:21.04.06.10:21:55