The Amount We Learn About Ourselves By Looking Around!

Interestingly, in the past few days i have learned more about myself by simply noticing the surroundings and how i react to certain things. For so long, i've been looking within or trying to find myself so hard that i miss all the tell tale signs just sitting around me. And also, i have come to realise that if one has a strong feeling about something or an urge to do something, he/she must trust his/her feelings and also go about doing what just 'feels' right. More often than not, it always turns out the way it should have. Amazing? or simply an Act Of God? hmm...

Let me elaborate...

I told someone that she should not interfere in the lives of others because she has fucked it up for others before and that if she had just let it be, things will turn out for the best. She decided to back off this once, things turned really bad, i wanted to intervene myself, i thought i should have let her interfere, then i knelt down and prayed. As always, i started, 'if it be your will' and then the very next morning as i awake, i find out things have all sort themselves out and the trust and faith i had in God and the believe i had in that someone was right...I hope she now sees that even without her controlling others' lives, God has his plan and she must take care of her own first...everyone needs space and time and God looks out for everyone, even those she feels he doesn't...she must have more faith and pray more instead of bothering in peoples' lives...

I also realise that i make many mistakes in life, time and time again, but with time and a whole lot of space, i realise these mistakes...and often when there is interference, i tend to not realise it till it's too late...so again...i am one who needs lots of time and space...

Then i heard the line "if you have to hide it or are afraid to show it, you are not living" and that line applied to my life and about decisions i have made and it just solidified the shaking believe that what i had done was right. I also found out that i am indeed an introvert though i show myself not to be. I enjoy being by myself and i think it has alot to do with satisfaction and contentment in being me. And every now and then, i burst out in 'extrovert franzies' and in a day can make more friends than i can drink coffee. I am unpredictable to the extent that i do not know what i might do or enjoy doing next. One weekend, i can enjoy just bumming around watching movies and snacking away...sleeping...lazing....and another weekend i can want to just be outdoors, running, sweating, going on night drives blasting music...i do not know what happens next and as much as i plan...i always surprise myself....

Well, this is what i found out about myself as well, when i put my mind or heart into something, i give my 101% and the results are usually the outcome of my input...and then if i don't excel in it i can be very hard on myself, but if i do not care for it, i will not bother if i fuck it up and if i do do well in it, it must have been that i was in a good mood or a mere fluke...the girls who i have been with are all crazy...because i can send fear tingling down anyone's spine and i always argue for the sake of having an arguement, and if i intend to break someone's heart, it will get broken and even if i do not intend it, it still will, then i can be soft and gentle and make them feel that the world revolves around them one second and then snatch it back and make it revolve around me, i can stare into their eyes and make them believe they have control of the controller and then shift a feature and make them cry with fear...unpredictable, crazy, scary, control freak and lovable, gentle, meek and free all at the same time...i can't stand myself, how did they do it?

I admire the people that thave to stand me and my nonsense and i think i should really crawl into a shell and 'hermit' myself...i should live a fully introvert life and i must find the one who will live that life with me...then together, we can 'hermitize'! no more eyes in this direction and no more eyes in any other. Talk at a minimum, listen at a maximum and eat in moderation. Open my eyes daily to sunshine and rainbows. Let colors fill my life and tears be non existant...

One day, i will look back and read this and go, "man, i'm so full of crap" then i will look at it again and realise, "man, i need some time and space"...."man, i need God!"

Jermz