Thoughts

I know she is unsure of my feelings for her and i do not blame her...i have no one else to blame but myself...and i know putting together words and have her decypher what i am trying to say serves no purpose as well, so i shall just say it in the best way i know how...

How can anyone start a relationship, esp a long distance one, from just talking over the phone and only having met once? How can someone be on one's mind all day even when the two are not in anything? Why is it that i am sure she doesn't want to start anything and why do i feel sad? Why did i screw up something that was going on so well? Why do i keep screwing myself?

I want to be near her so i can know how things are going to be...i somehow feel her drifting...i want to know for a fact if this friendship we share is all she wants...am i but a mere companion that she seeks? Can i really fall deeply in love again? Can i hold her hand and know she's the one? Why does it seem like no one really cares for a real relationship these days?

I am very happy with how things are between us now...it is just that, i really do not know if she wants me to take the next step, is she expecting it or is the friendship all she wants...either i will respect her decision...but i need to know...will she tell me if she has found the one? will she ever know how i feel?

I know...it's all about I, I, I...she was helping find myself...and i did...then i gave up and am in the search again...why would anyone so perfect, so simple yet complicated, so intelligent and gorgeous, so crappy and spunky, so sweet and down to earth, want to have anything to do with me? Why do i put myself down all the time, though i know i shouldn't, what does she see in me? When will i be able to hold her in my arms and tell her all she wants to hear and all i wanna say?

I thought i have gotten over all that is past....have i?

Why do i somehow repel all i love?

Lord, keep me safe, keep me strong, let me see the light, show me the way...I haven't been a good practicing Catholic, help me know you, let your will be done...You know my heart lord, you made it, you gave it to me, help me know these feelings, you know i am impulsive lord, help me make right decisions, let me not hurt anyone in the process, let me not make enemies and instead love my enemies, help me forgive my dad, take care of my mum and ah-ma, take good care of my other six siblings, bring them up in your love, change my father's heart of stone into a heart of flesh and love, help me be true to myself...help me not be so head strong and more giving, humble me lord, humble my heart, if i am in a circle lord, and walking in my own footsteps, take me out lord, let me walk a straight line...let me progress, help me find peace within, help me find love, help me see the beauty in everything you put here and in front of me, give me the strength to go on and do your will, and i pray you lord, let your will be done and the cross be one you know i can bear...let me never forget my past but never let me go back...let them be steps for a brighter future, keep me true...

This i pray, in your holy name...
...Amen

Jermz - 1825-130506-21:50:25