It may just be me...

Is it wrong to lie to one's self?

There was once nothing i made into something...
I lied to myself so much, that at the end of the day, the only one falling for it was me...
Now, i wish she'd tell me the truth...but then again what do i expect her to say?
Maybe i'll be able to hold on to this long enough now to ruin my next relationship...
What am i to do?

Is it a lie? Is it wrong? Is it just me again?

When the whole world falls around me and there's no escape...will i suffocate myself and not be able to come out of it?

Did i time it all worng?

But right now...this moment, this night...i will not pretend i am not falling and i won't pretend i am not missing her and that i am not in love....

Right now, it doesn't matter, all that i cannot fix...it will be a dream...a dream i dreamt once...

Everyone has the exact love life that they want...is she the girl for me?

Let me dream...if you don't love me, for once, just tonight...lie to me...let me dream...

Jermz

Another week passes...

Another week passes... another phase begins...
It's the long weekend i've been waiting for...

Thu - No fly day
Fri - Safety Standown
Sat/Sun - Weekend
Mon - Memorial Day Holiday
Tue - Not on schedule

Did a lot of stuff yesterday. Vacuumed the house, cleaned the kitchen, played soccer, did very well for my simulator event but failed it due to a major dick up on the initial point leg...sianz but it was a good flight, i enjoy doing composite flights so much more than the strike flights the last week. I think i'm getting the hang of it. Completed a draft recording of a song i recently wrote. Put hymns into my thumb drive and have been listening to it in my car on the way to work daily. Lost 5lbs...finally...

Her birthday just past and got her a little something...hope she likes it...She seems pretty caught up in her thoughts these days. Hope all is doing well for her. I think i fit her better as a buddy and confidante than as a lover. Still so far away, still confused, still wondering how things would turn out when i go back. For now, i like the conversations we have, very real, very down to earth...Talked to mummy about Ricky's birthday celebration...went fishing over the weekend...did a couple of sims, cleared my strike flights finally and also caught the latest episode of smallville...dreams of being a 'robin hood' hero are still there...

Thought about days back in Boys' Town Home and my buddies...Really hope that they are all doing well...Thought about going back when i return, getting the boys dinner or something...Miss the days when life was carefree, running around all the time, having gamestime, circuit training, studying with my buddies and drawing and writing to get by time, jamming in the jamming room, hiding to smoke, climbing to the roof, paging girls and talking to them while crouching in a corner of the dormitory, jumping off the veranda, doing our daily pull up competition, lining up for dinner, sitting at the grotto and having my alone time...Fighting/Initiating the new guys...blanket parties, elbows forward, elbows down, waking everyone up to the sounds of a local radio station, playing music during games time in the Radio Boys' Town room...going to the gym not to train but to see who could carry the heaviest weights...going to disneyfest and confronting the gang over there as a group...stepping onto an aircraft carrier, having the navy guys over to help touch up boys town and play for us good music...memories that bring a smile to my face anytime i am down...Days of adolescence

Thought about my childhood, living with the nice people who took care of me, having to come back to 6 other siblings, playing in the inflated pool in the kitchen, sliding across the recently mopped floor, volunteering to mop so that we could add some detergent to make the floor more slippery, jumping into clothes that just came out of the dryer, warm and comfortable, fighting with my siblings, serving in church as an alterboy, playing soccer behind the church, going for camps ever so frequent, leading the little scouts, campfires, falling in love...going to malaysia with my uncle and family...taking those long walks home from Assumption Primary and St Anthony's with my buddy Adrian...catching tadpoles and little fishes in the canal, going to MacRitchie to fish....trekking in Bukit Timah hill, learning to play the guitar, having late night campfires in church and star gazing, realising how huge the world is...learning about the stars...learning about God, learning about the female species, having my first kiss...and having a spinning headache after...got caught and couldn't go anywhere because i was so stunned, happy and 'high'...having have her pull me and run from the security guy...having my first stay over and getting drunk...laying in bed with a girl for the first time...not knowing what the hell to be thinking, being just happy to be loved and be in love...growing up...i miss those days...

Then there are those soccer days, basketball days, bicycle days, skateboard days, bladding days...I always think i had a pretty sad childhood...but looking back i cannot be more contented with the way life has gone for me, though there were more fuck ups and heart breaking moments...i lived...not even knowing that i was living...Now, like before, i wonder why life seems so monotonous and it seems to be losing its meaning...but i want to look back 10, 20 years from now, with my loved one in my arms, looking back at my life and knowing i lived...and share with her my past, live with her the present and plan with her our future...for now, i am going to stop looking ahead as i have been all along and live my life for now...live my life for me...

I miss home, i miss my past, i miss everything i was trying so hard to get away from...i miss my brothers...the best thing that happened to me...and though i know i've been to much of a sinner to be a priest...if he calls...i am here...for my life is in his hands and his will be done always...

Siempre Insemis Angie Divisi...

My past and i...."always together even though apart"

Jermz-1825-250506-110940z

What a long week...

tHINGS HAVEN'T BEEN GOING SMOOTHLY FOR ME AS I WOULD HAVE LIKED IT...
hAD A ROUGH WEEK...BUT GOT AFEW THINGS DONE...ACTUALLY JUST ONE BUT...
rECORDED A SONG THAT I RECENTLY WROTE...SOUNDS LIKE CRAP THOUGH...

ok had enough of the caps thingie...well, took about 2 weeks to clear one flight and found out that i would most probably end my stay here about Dec/Jan...planning to take a diving course now...i know it may not be the best idea since i haven't been having an easy time with my flight, but heck i don't care...need to relax...will be going tmr morning to find out more about it...also want to play more basketball...just came back from a winging party at the dock and saw my instructors there...and the instructor with the gorgeous eyes who i had to fly with a couple of times and haven't passed a flight with her yet...she's a distraction...there shouldn't be instructors like her...but she was there, in a band jamming on stage...and wow...i just have a thing for women and music...but anyways, i saw she was looking over from the stage...and must have been wondering "why is he here...he shouldn't be partying and should be at home studying..." at least that's what i think...but i digress...like the rest of the things i have been rambling about...no system in the chaos just wild crazy random thoughts...

Mummy got her mummy's day present and i could tell she was happy...found out that i will be going to 145 Sqn back in Singapore cos they got my nametag done and all...hmm...i think that they are expecting me back soon...but too bad...and hurrican season is definitely approaching, the weather has been fucking with my flights and all...lost about 10lbs with the milk thingie but put back 5lbs over the last week with pringles, ben and jerry's and chicken in a biscuit snacks...damn...was pretty stressed so had to...need to lose that weight back again...at least 15lbs this time, need to get more milk...hahaha played tennis...good times...need to go for more regular runs as well...i so want to be home right now...damn feel like a kid... as a kid i always wanted to get away, leave home and make it out on my own...but i don;t know why i just want to ba at home right now, back in sunny Singapore...quit smoking, ride around in the middle of the night...go for midnight supper, play billiards, go drinking and listen to good music, and i also realised i don't like to cheong...not in my blood, have been getting very good at sudokuthe grid game, completed a couple of hard games in less than 15 mins...getting pretty fast in the plane as well...

Damn, this is all so random, i'm getting sick of it, need to organise my thoughts more and speak on issues in depth instead of just jumping from one thing to the next...focus....focus...well, i have always been an extrovert, always out there, not afraid to be myself, enjoying myself, happy and carefree....now...i'm more introvert than i would like, quiet all the damn time, don't really like socialising like i used to, don't like talking about myself, don;t like to just have fun...this place sucks...draining my life out of me...i think being a catholic really suits me...i can see myself as one of those guys who goes to church frequently, queitly, playing guitar now and then, jamming with my brothers...i like photography cos there are no words involved, you capture moments, feelings, expressions without saying a words...need to get a new camera, need to get a saxaphone, need to get back to the place i was before...but "if i change my heading, will i get those funny stares?" too self conscious...need to be more careless...need to trip on myself more, laugh about my stupidity, need to be with someone who can bring all that out of me...need someone i can care for and love and understand what i am, who i am and who i want to be...

Lord, help me focus, think straight, organise my thoughts and feelings, and be a faithful servant.

Jermz

Thoughts

I know she is unsure of my feelings for her and i do not blame her...i have no one else to blame but myself...and i know putting together words and have her decypher what i am trying to say serves no purpose as well, so i shall just say it in the best way i know how...

How can anyone start a relationship, esp a long distance one, from just talking over the phone and only having met once? How can someone be on one's mind all day even when the two are not in anything? Why is it that i am sure she doesn't want to start anything and why do i feel sad? Why did i screw up something that was going on so well? Why do i keep screwing myself?

I want to be near her so i can know how things are going to be...i somehow feel her drifting...i want to know for a fact if this friendship we share is all she wants...am i but a mere companion that she seeks? Can i really fall deeply in love again? Can i hold her hand and know she's the one? Why does it seem like no one really cares for a real relationship these days?

I am very happy with how things are between us now...it is just that, i really do not know if she wants me to take the next step, is she expecting it or is the friendship all she wants...either i will respect her decision...but i need to know...will she tell me if she has found the one? will she ever know how i feel?

I know...it's all about I, I, I...she was helping find myself...and i did...then i gave up and am in the search again...why would anyone so perfect, so simple yet complicated, so intelligent and gorgeous, so crappy and spunky, so sweet and down to earth, want to have anything to do with me? Why do i put myself down all the time, though i know i shouldn't, what does she see in me? When will i be able to hold her in my arms and tell her all she wants to hear and all i wanna say?

I thought i have gotten over all that is past....have i?

Why do i somehow repel all i love?

Lord, keep me safe, keep me strong, let me see the light, show me the way...I haven't been a good practicing Catholic, help me know you, let your will be done...You know my heart lord, you made it, you gave it to me, help me know these feelings, you know i am impulsive lord, help me make right decisions, let me not hurt anyone in the process, let me not make enemies and instead love my enemies, help me forgive my dad, take care of my mum and ah-ma, take good care of my other six siblings, bring them up in your love, change my father's heart of stone into a heart of flesh and love, help me be true to myself...help me not be so head strong and more giving, humble me lord, humble my heart, if i am in a circle lord, and walking in my own footsteps, take me out lord, let me walk a straight line...let me progress, help me find peace within, help me find love, help me see the beauty in everything you put here and in front of me, give me the strength to go on and do your will, and i pray you lord, let your will be done and the cross be one you know i can bear...let me never forget my past but never let me go back...let them be steps for a brighter future, keep me true...

This i pray, in your holy name...
...Amen

Jermz - 1825-130506-21:50:25

Milk works...

Saw this funny advert. on tv and decided to try just drinking more milk...though i hated it...the taste of it makes me wanna puke...but it said something about losing weight which i badly needed to do...so for the past one week, i finished a gallon of milk drinking about 2 glasses daily...and guess what...I have lost 5 pounds...not kidding...it works...then i decided to research a little on it and realised the 24/24 milk programme was intended for ladies...but still, i'm out of milk and munchies...so tonight after din din i'd probably take a little trip to wall mart for stock ups...

And to all mothers this weekend...Happy Mothers' Day! The most difficult job on earth done by the most special people alive...Take the weekend off and get a breather...

Talking about 24/24...someone's getting older...anyway...here's the great 24/24 weight loss thingie i was talking about

http://www.2424milk.com/

found out that many of my poly buddies are married...mostly the gals and the guys are just travelling non stop...I await the day where everything become mundane...i await the day where tomorrow has nothing up its sleeve...i await the day we meet...

now, back to work...last day of the week...last burst of fire...

Jermz 1825-120506-09:18:45

That's why i haven't blogged...

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Thanx!

You know who you are...got it! Thank you so much!

Safety pins and ear holes..some newly made

Lee, your true color is Red!

Your color is red, the color of racy sportscars, blushing cheeks, and luscious roses. Red symbolizes passion, romance, and love. So, since you're ruled by red, you probably trust your feelings more than your brain and tend to act spontaneously. If you see something you want, you go for it without thinking twice — impulsive is your middle name. You don't wait around for people to make decisions, either; you dive right in. Quite the romantic, you pay close attention to your emotions. In fact, if your heart isn't in what you're doing, you won't be satisfied. Of course, even when you do pour all your energy into the projects you tackle, your impetuous nature means your passions can shift as frequently as the wind. That's why some reds have trouble with commitment. Our advice? Next time you're feeling fickle, think before you act, if possible. You might be surprised at the results. Overall, though, it's great to be red. No one lives life more completely than you do.

01:02:03 04/05/06

Tomorrow , (Thursday, 4th of May ) at two minutes and three seconds after 1:00 in the morning, the time and date will be
01:02:03 04/05/06.
This won't ever happen again in our lifetime...

May - The Month of Possibilities...

Past the stroke of midnight
Something awakens my soul
A new door has opened
May May be ever so bold

May the rosary month
May the month for mothers
May when we are less self conscious
and begin thinking for others

A stretch to start off everyday
and a smile before i sleep
Sweet dreams as i lay comfortably
In a life that's ever so deep

I'll climb the highest mountain
and swim the deepest seas
for May is the month of wonders
At home or overseas

If this month is no good for you
I will make great
And send a smile in your direction
All of my love, no hate...

Drifting off to lameless...and i really do not care...for May is the month for fuck ups...and top of the list...I'm there!

So happy...a new beginning, a new month, a new outlook...

Jermz - 1825