Seven's a charm...

Remembering all the names, all the birthdays, all the voices over the line...

How many people can say they've shared a room with 3 other brothers, a house with 6 other siblings and a dinning table with 10 chairs that extends?

7's my favourite number...meal times were crazy back then...it was like feeding a platoon...christmas and cny shoppings were a blast...finding cheap places to buy stuff...raggidy hand me downs, sliding across newly mopped floors, watching cartoons with my brothers every saturday morning...

2 questions hit me everyday - How does one woman manage to handle a bunch of monsters? and How can anyone walk away from what he made? Will never be able to answer those questions and do not intend to ...

I cannot remember a quiet day at home when i was younger...even at night, we were sneaking out trying to watch TV and playing silly games in the dark...had so much time with shit it's not funny...had my brother shit in a drawer, stepped on fresh shit from a diaper and saw green shit...i mean...who sees green shit right?

Seen my 2 younger brothers become men from just babies in a cradle...drinking a can of beer and turning red sitting in front of the fridge...having my baby bro hug my guitar to sleep and crying when i left...things that leave a deep, deep impression on my heart...

I miss those days...7 years ago...

Jermz

The Amount We Learn About Ourselves By Looking Around!

Interestingly, in the past few days i have learned more about myself by simply noticing the surroundings and how i react to certain things. For so long, i've been looking within or trying to find myself so hard that i miss all the tell tale signs just sitting around me. And also, i have come to realise that if one has a strong feeling about something or an urge to do something, he/she must trust his/her feelings and also go about doing what just 'feels' right. More often than not, it always turns out the way it should have. Amazing? or simply an Act Of God? hmm...

Let me elaborate...

I told someone that she should not interfere in the lives of others because she has fucked it up for others before and that if she had just let it be, things will turn out for the best. She decided to back off this once, things turned really bad, i wanted to intervene myself, i thought i should have let her interfere, then i knelt down and prayed. As always, i started, 'if it be your will' and then the very next morning as i awake, i find out things have all sort themselves out and the trust and faith i had in God and the believe i had in that someone was right...I hope she now sees that even without her controlling others' lives, God has his plan and she must take care of her own first...everyone needs space and time and God looks out for everyone, even those she feels he doesn't...she must have more faith and pray more instead of bothering in peoples' lives...

I also realise that i make many mistakes in life, time and time again, but with time and a whole lot of space, i realise these mistakes...and often when there is interference, i tend to not realise it till it's too late...so again...i am one who needs lots of time and space...

Then i heard the line "if you have to hide it or are afraid to show it, you are not living" and that line applied to my life and about decisions i have made and it just solidified the shaking believe that what i had done was right. I also found out that i am indeed an introvert though i show myself not to be. I enjoy being by myself and i think it has alot to do with satisfaction and contentment in being me. And every now and then, i burst out in 'extrovert franzies' and in a day can make more friends than i can drink coffee. I am unpredictable to the extent that i do not know what i might do or enjoy doing next. One weekend, i can enjoy just bumming around watching movies and snacking away...sleeping...lazing....and another weekend i can want to just be outdoors, running, sweating, going on night drives blasting music...i do not know what happens next and as much as i plan...i always surprise myself....

Well, this is what i found out about myself as well, when i put my mind or heart into something, i give my 101% and the results are usually the outcome of my input...and then if i don't excel in it i can be very hard on myself, but if i do not care for it, i will not bother if i fuck it up and if i do do well in it, it must have been that i was in a good mood or a mere fluke...the girls who i have been with are all crazy...because i can send fear tingling down anyone's spine and i always argue for the sake of having an arguement, and if i intend to break someone's heart, it will get broken and even if i do not intend it, it still will, then i can be soft and gentle and make them feel that the world revolves around them one second and then snatch it back and make it revolve around me, i can stare into their eyes and make them believe they have control of the controller and then shift a feature and make them cry with fear...unpredictable, crazy, scary, control freak and lovable, gentle, meek and free all at the same time...i can't stand myself, how did they do it?

I admire the people that thave to stand me and my nonsense and i think i should really crawl into a shell and 'hermit' myself...i should live a fully introvert life and i must find the one who will live that life with me...then together, we can 'hermitize'! no more eyes in this direction and no more eyes in any other. Talk at a minimum, listen at a maximum and eat in moderation. Open my eyes daily to sunshine and rainbows. Let colors fill my life and tears be non existant...

One day, i will look back and read this and go, "man, i'm so full of crap" then i will look at it again and realise, "man, i need some time and space"...."man, i need God!"

Jermz

World Cup 2006!

I cannot believe this is going to be the second time i miss seeing the World Cup Soccer tornament with my brothers again! Argh...This year it's going to be in Germany and many of my german buddies are going to be here but...they have a HUGE ASS LCD flatscreen flown in from germany and it's going to be Satelite broadcasted in German...argh...anyways, the craziness will begin on the 9th June 2006 and i'll be rushing up my flights to get home to watch it...and weekends are now fully booked...hahaha

And also i have been looking at cars and also listened to a couple of suggestions and i think i'll go with what Edwin said...was initially told the Subaru Impreza TS Sedan was good but then was told otherwise....and have been looking at the toyota wish...which seems pretty affordable and chic...here's a couple of pics...

NICE RIGHT???











I also got news that by BTHome buddies are planning a gathering for the old boys this year end...cannot wait to go back and catch up with my buddies...so much to do, so little time...

OK, now it's back to work for me...

Flight Suit, No 5, Baking!, just after self cutting my hair...(04 June 06)

Where life was oh so simple...

Back in the hay days when time was in my control and minutes were minute portions of pain... Waking up not knowing what to do, what to expect, where to go, what to eat, who to meet...
And going to sleep not worrying about what would unfold before me the next day...
In my own world, content and happy, taking walks, jogs, bicycle rides, laying down whenever my feet and heart told me too...having random thoughts and having myself to share my dreams... When life was not stringent and planned. Staring at the ceiling fan, plucking the strings of my life the way i liked it, wearing what i cared about and never taking anything heard or said to heart... The days seeing everyone seem to know what is going on, seem to be going in a direction they knew they wanted and not knowing or even caring about anything... Days when i would wake up and make music from sun rise to sun set not caring if i had food or human contact and still being satisfied just being by myself... Selfish and conceited... Knowing i never had to find love for i was always loved and even if i wasn't i was loving and that was all that mattered... Sitting in a corner scribbling names of loved ones everywhere i could... even the dirt on the window and the inside of my pencil case...on every page of my textbook...on people's tables...engraving names and doodling on my desk till i was ordered by the principal to scrub it clean...not being able to and swapping desk with another class just to get out of trouble and then doing it all again till everyone gave up... Playing the starring game with complete strangers and not going to work just having made a friend, exchanging priced possessions with a complete stranger... going to the safe place and sitting in church alone wondering if she'd turn up... getting out of school because she said she was sick and wanted me beside her... Laying a kiss on the beach, on the sand under the gorgeous starry night, crossing the road and sitting in the middle of it when the lights were red and seeing the expressions of people... fighting in a toilet alongside my buddies and laughing from the bruises and cuts... getting our hair dyed and ears pierced in public toilets, smashing my knuckles into walls till they bled, roof top rendevous, holding my breathe in the water and getting a high out of it, watching TV knowing an assignment was due, having a 'silent' week, not speaking a word to anyone, house painting everynow and then, sleeping at the playground having been locked out of the house, having ridiculous chats with buddies about what we would do if we had a million dollars... jamming with my buddies at the void deck...carving a cross into my skin with a needle...falling down from a cliff and not being able to breathe...jumping into a quary while school was still going on...night swims with a loved one, body painting sessions...those were the days...

oh so simple...