CNY away from home...

ABOVE: Friends for life...Posing as usual and the mess i have to look at from now on...

Being away from home for CNY sucks...plain and simply sucks...
But so far things have been going well for me...

Just scored for another test...missed a question...really surprised cos i really tot i'd flunk this test...
Prayers really work...

When all is thought to be lost...you somehow find it all back again...there are many things that blog up my mind now and there's no easy way or solution to the things i have to decide on...Should i be selfish and just do and get what i want? Compromise...such an easy word to talk about and even spell but when it boils down to actually doing it, it takes alot to accomplish...

I have been, as told to me, that i am going around in circles...on wednesday this week...I stopped, thought, and sat down...i shall not take another step till i'm sure i will not be treading the path i have already taken...sounds simple? think again...alot has to change...mainly with me...

I get sadden everytime i know of a lie or hear one...and after which i just switch off...refusing to have anything to do with the lie...the liar...and the reasons or should i say excuses...Is that right? If i know it's wrong shouldn't i do something about it? Call it the easy way out but somehow i feel deeply that if we pray and leave it up to God instead of taking things into our own hands, things will work out for the best...whatever the result may be...

Now for the song of the week...

When i heard it, i remember how my mum would sing it to my youngest sibling to help him sleep. Yes, rome i'm talking about you...and how ricky got jealous and mum made the "dearest, i love you...and i will always love you..." still rings in my head...and it prove of how much my mum loves us all...esp. the two youngest monsters...and no, i do not have a song...sob sob...hahahaha i really miss you guys when you were so much younger...doing all the crap we do...and the Ninja Turtles - Rel - leonardo, Me - Michaelangelo, Ricky - Ralphael, Rome - Donatello...and the huge turtles cake that you boys got...and the straps we all had...hahaha those were the days...THE FANTASTIC FOUR!

You are my sunshine, my only sunshine
You make me happy when skies are grey
You'll never know, dear, how much I love you
Please don't take my sunshine away

The other night, dear, as I lay sleeping

I dreamed I held you in my arms

When I awoke, dear, I was mistaken

So I hung my head and cried

You are my sunshine, my only sunshine

You make me happy when skies are grey

You'll never know, dear, how much I love you

Please don't take my sunshine away

I'll always love you and make you happy

If you will only say the same

But if you leave me to love another

You'll regret it all someday

You are my sunshine, my only sunshine

You make me happy when skies are grey

You'll never know, dear, how much I love you

Please don't take my sunshine away

You told me once, dear, you really loved me

And no one else could come between.

But now you've left me and love another,

You have shattered all my dreams.

You are my sunshine, my only sunshine

You make me happy when skies are grey

You'll never know, dear, how much I love you

Please don't take my sunshine away

...daor eht nwod sraey 02

When i sit, staring at the web browser, whatever it may be then, on my laptop, whichever brand i may have switched to, on a 'whatever' sized bed in my 'how many' bedroom place, in wherever in the world and read what i am to write, right at this moment, i will again be brought to this place and feel this way...

"Have i ever told you i love you?"
"No"
"Well, i do...I love you..."
"Still?"
"Always"

The best lines i've ever heard exchanged between two people from two opposite, different sides of the world...

People return not because they have forgotten... They come back because they do not want to forget... But, how does one make what has always seemed so wrong...right again? How can you open up a wound that has healed so perfectly...Why would anyone slash open a scar which they never knew they wanted in the first place? The answer which manyatimes seems very illogical and ridiculous is the most simple and pure thing man has and will ever know... LOVE...

---- There's always a stall warning before you crash and burn...
--------------- Learn from your mistakes, always live and learn...
---------Pitch trim is now in normal mode, not in alternate, not in off...
- Made of flesh is this torn up heart which for you will bleed soft...

------ I will love again, i will smile, play in the rain, sing and dance... I will be the man you've always wanted me to be...

...I will be me....

This has been a great week...2 tests of which i only missed a question...I lived life this week smiling...and sadly enough many people say this "happy, go lucky" mood of mine will not last...I beg to differ and now, more than ever, i am out on a mission...on a mission to be true...to be real...to be happy...to be contented...to be, more than anything in the world, me...

I am made up of the many events and happenings that i have been through, am going through and will go through...I have not kept many promises i've made, so from now onwards, as much as i want to, I will never make promises i cannot keep, so i do not make promises anymore...defying gravity is what i do...and grounding people...especially myself, is what i do best...for i will not lay in this bed of roses...and endulge in my successes like many may or will do...for what i am and what i will become lays in the hands of my God...he has done well and for that i will praise and glorify his name...not mine...i am his servant and he will do as he pleases...

He got feet down below his knees...He said one and one and one is 3....got to be good looking cos he's so hard to see...bring me the letter baby, do not leave out the words...the stories and cigarettes ruin the lives of lesser gals...when the same black line that was drawn on you...was drawn on me...well, now it's drawing me in...was it just the seasons? rolling to some new level...will you think of times that you've told me that you knew reasons, why we had to leave me lonely? she listens like spring and she talks like june...did you sail across the sun? did you fall from a shooting star? and did you miss me while looking for yourself out there?

Thursday lunches will be my gym time...went to the gym on thursady and realised how out of shape i'm in.... for too long now i have not thought straight, not focused enough, not systematically done things...now things seem clearer....i now know...

I watched the exorcism of emily rose and it brought me back to times when i was just me, simple, pure and true, i would give up everything at an instance if he calls me and he knows that....he's letting me choose, decide and live life...so i will...ideas may clash...believes may do to...but, he will prevail and overcome...for he who loves the God that created me, loves me...and i will love him...

My life is in his hands and i will not do what i please...only what he wants of me...

Now you know why...

today is going to be a great day...like was yesterday and like tomorrow will be...i miss home and people and the people i miss know it...even without me saying a word...for it is that connection that amazes me...forever in my prayers and forever in prayer...

21 JAN 06 SAT 1542hrs

Jay and Bel & There's no place like home




Last formation flight in the T-6A Texan II, fighter to be, side number 000

It has been awhile...

It certainly has...since september and now's a new year already...How time flies when you're enjoying yourself. This is how things have been lately...I went back to Singapore for the holidays...boy, i miss home so so much...spending time with my brothers, family, friends... Eating all the good food i could get my hands on...meeting new people...finding back old ones...so much has changed over time. I've got so much to say and write about my stay in pensacola so far, but they are all now in drips and draps...so i've made it a point to update my blog...resolution for 2006, so i do not loose myself...i think i almost did...and going back to Singapore gave me the wake up call...it's my life damn it...i should take time off all the crap that's thrown at me and do things i like...listen to music, watch downloaded smallville, play the guitar, irritating the hell out of people...you know...the usual...
For so long now, i haven't been true to myself...i have always wanted to be a pilot, and now that i'm training to be an avaitor...i've taken on this whole new persona...and frankly...i do not like it... I am not as bubbly and crappy as i used to be...i talk a helluva lot less...and conversations seem like a waste of time. I have changed...many say for the better...but not me...financially, obviously...from having one meal a day to actually being able to afford snacks...from wearing torn shoes, till buying my own...from walking and taking public transport to having my own transport...and a supercharged car at it, did i mention? hahaha although i seem to have it all together...and in some sense i do...i am losing myself...i am changing to quick for the heart to handle...i think alot before i speak...even doing this, i am thinking before i type...
i used to be able to speak my mind, type anything that comes to my head...wasn't afraid of hurting people, looking foolish and speaking my mind...but now...i am cautious...
A couple of days ago...a T-39 plane from Pensacola went missing, then it was found to be crashed and 4 U.S. military personnels died in the crash...that was too close for comfort...i am now studying to fly the T-39 and will soon be going to VT-86...the squadron that lost its men...
Then, i found out that these kinds of things happen all the time and military personnels are numb...and we were told to be too...don't let it affect the training...carry on...that was a wake up call...it could have been me...anyone of my buddies...
Went for friday dinner and spoke to Capt Edmund "Bird", an F-5 pilot from Singapore here on course...found out so much there is to know...and sort of got it all figured out...I know what i must do now to fulfil my ambitions and dreams...Finding love will have to wait...for how long? INDEFINITELY...
I will not succumb...I am numb...I thought i had it...now it's lost...I'm afraid i've grown way ahead of my time...Falling in love seems like a waste of time...a burden...even desires seems silly now...the only passion i have right now is that for flying...it's very hard to explain the joys in flying and the amount of pride i get from it...to just be here...i am truly blessed and happy...i have come a long way...and the one person i thought would know and understand what i've been through...doesn't...
I have lost faith in myself, my friends, my life before...i will not see that happen again...People say "you don't need friends!" "you're still trying to be in!" crap...all crap...I want to understnad myself and my friends are the keys to unlocking the person i am...no one can honestly say they know themselves by just knowing...no one sees you better than from the outside...I stay close to my God for i know, he will be my light, he will guide my way, he will make me whole and he will make me understand me better...
Manyatimes when caught up in emotions, one fails to see the big picture. Of which, i have done times and times again...
Hopefully, through this blog, i will eventually understand myself a bit better and life will make more sense...god will guide me...
For things that i am sure in my life...the elements that are sure things - My ah-ma's and adopted parents' love for me, my mum's dedication to the family and God, my siblings support and understanding...my god. I would gladly give my life up for any of my brothers...my sisters? they're good enough on their own...my mission in the next 5 yrs...though short termed...to give my mum the better life she deserves...to, like my buddies of 17 yrs, find 'him' again and the joys of being a Catholic...to better understand myself and play music, sing, dance, and laugh more...

For the record - I respect my father for giving me life but i DO NOT agree to his decisions and actions and will never support him in sinning or give him consolation for abandoning the family...HIS family! I love him all the same...to describe it simply...LOVE THE SINNER, HATE THE SINS! I pray one day God's will be done and realisation will befall this family, this army of God. The tattoo is a symbol for me to remember the times HE has been there for me, HE has seen me through, HE has been the father i always wanted. Mother Mary has and will protect this family and is it takes the removing of a cancer for the body to grow...so be it...

Manyatimes, i do not understand and refuse to comprehen the actions of another...but somehow Mother Mary always makes it work out...I place my trust in you...your unworthy child...i lift my life into your hands, lord jesus christ, son of god, have mercy on me...a sinner...

Today, i will smile, i will sing, i will dance, i will praise his name and i will live the life he has planned for me with a smile...knowing that HE only has good things for me...

I loved, i cried, i bled, i gave up, i let go...i lost faith...

I will love again, cry only happy tears, bleed passionately for another, stand on my two feet, hold on to the dream and believe...

Soon, all will make sense, all will fall into place...

Jermz checking out!