It has been awhile...

It certainly has...since september and now's a new year already...How time flies when you're enjoying yourself. This is how things have been lately...I went back to Singapore for the holidays...boy, i miss home so so much...spending time with my brothers, family, friends... Eating all the good food i could get my hands on...meeting new people...finding back old ones...so much has changed over time. I've got so much to say and write about my stay in pensacola so far, but they are all now in drips and draps...so i've made it a point to update my blog...resolution for 2006, so i do not loose myself...i think i almost did...and going back to Singapore gave me the wake up call...it's my life damn it...i should take time off all the crap that's thrown at me and do things i like...listen to music, watch downloaded smallville, play the guitar, irritating the hell out of people...you know...the usual...
For so long now, i haven't been true to myself...i have always wanted to be a pilot, and now that i'm training to be an avaitor...i've taken on this whole new persona...and frankly...i do not like it... I am not as bubbly and crappy as i used to be...i talk a helluva lot less...and conversations seem like a waste of time. I have changed...many say for the better...but not me...financially, obviously...from having one meal a day to actually being able to afford snacks...from wearing torn shoes, till buying my own...from walking and taking public transport to having my own transport...and a supercharged car at it, did i mention? hahaha although i seem to have it all together...and in some sense i do...i am losing myself...i am changing to quick for the heart to handle...i think alot before i speak...even doing this, i am thinking before i type...
i used to be able to speak my mind, type anything that comes to my head...wasn't afraid of hurting people, looking foolish and speaking my mind...but now...i am cautious...
A couple of days ago...a T-39 plane from Pensacola went missing, then it was found to be crashed and 4 U.S. military personnels died in the crash...that was too close for comfort...i am now studying to fly the T-39 and will soon be going to VT-86...the squadron that lost its men...
Then, i found out that these kinds of things happen all the time and military personnels are numb...and we were told to be too...don't let it affect the training...carry on...that was a wake up call...it could have been me...anyone of my buddies...
Went for friday dinner and spoke to Capt Edmund "Bird", an F-5 pilot from Singapore here on course...found out so much there is to know...and sort of got it all figured out...I know what i must do now to fulfil my ambitions and dreams...Finding love will have to wait...for how long? INDEFINITELY...
I will not succumb...I am numb...I thought i had it...now it's lost...I'm afraid i've grown way ahead of my time...Falling in love seems like a waste of time...a burden...even desires seems silly now...the only passion i have right now is that for flying...it's very hard to explain the joys in flying and the amount of pride i get from it...to just be here...i am truly blessed and happy...i have come a long way...and the one person i thought would know and understand what i've been through...doesn't...
I have lost faith in myself, my friends, my life before...i will not see that happen again...People say "you don't need friends!" "you're still trying to be in!" crap...all crap...I want to understnad myself and my friends are the keys to unlocking the person i am...no one can honestly say they know themselves by just knowing...no one sees you better than from the outside...I stay close to my God for i know, he will be my light, he will guide my way, he will make me whole and he will make me understand me better...
Manyatimes when caught up in emotions, one fails to see the big picture. Of which, i have done times and times again...
Hopefully, through this blog, i will eventually understand myself a bit better and life will make more sense...god will guide me...
For things that i am sure in my life...the elements that are sure things - My ah-ma's and adopted parents' love for me, my mum's dedication to the family and God, my siblings support and understanding...my god. I would gladly give my life up for any of my brothers...my sisters? they're good enough on their own...my mission in the next 5 yrs...though short termed...to give my mum the better life she deserves...to, like my buddies of 17 yrs, find 'him' again and the joys of being a Catholic...to better understand myself and play music, sing, dance, and laugh more...

For the record - I respect my father for giving me life but i DO NOT agree to his decisions and actions and will never support him in sinning or give him consolation for abandoning the family...HIS family! I love him all the same...to describe it simply...LOVE THE SINNER, HATE THE SINS! I pray one day God's will be done and realisation will befall this family, this army of God. The tattoo is a symbol for me to remember the times HE has been there for me, HE has seen me through, HE has been the father i always wanted. Mother Mary has and will protect this family and is it takes the removing of a cancer for the body to grow...so be it...

Manyatimes, i do not understand and refuse to comprehen the actions of another...but somehow Mother Mary always makes it work out...I place my trust in you...your unworthy child...i lift my life into your hands, lord jesus christ, son of god, have mercy on me...a sinner...

Today, i will smile, i will sing, i will dance, i will praise his name and i will live the life he has planned for me with a smile...knowing that HE only has good things for me...

I loved, i cried, i bled, i gave up, i let go...i lost faith...

I will love again, cry only happy tears, bleed passionately for another, stand on my two feet, hold on to the dream and believe...

Soon, all will make sense, all will fall into place...

Jermz checking out!