Why am i excited when it's still so far away...

RSAF F-16 FIGHTING FALCON PATCH!

Yesterday, while smoking outside the simulator building, which i do almost everyday...i met an ex A4 pilot who told me to quit...weird thing about it is...he was telling me about how his buddies and myself used to smoke in the plane while in vietnam and how a couple of his buddies now have problems with their health. He told me he had quit 34 years ago and never regrets it. Then he asked me :"Didn't your daddy tell you not to smoke?" I was dumbfounded and just shook my head...then he replied "Well, I'll be your daddy now and i'm telling you to can it!" then he smiled and walked away. He had the friendliest smile and the wrinkles in his face made him all the more apporachable.

Today, i walked past his office (that's the only way to the smoking corner) and he came out to remind me..."Don't do it...quit!" and i smiled and promised him that i would before i returned to Singapore. All this while, while sitting on the bench and smoking, i had been thinking about home and about all the stress i'm facing, i felt alone and had been missing out on anyone caring for me. Then like a God sent, he was there! He did not have to tell me to quit...I didn't know him, and he, me. But, when he talked to me and told me his story and showed his concern, i actually felt bad smoking today. So i have decided, i will not smoke when my feet touches Singapore soil!

I also found myself a really great Personal Advisor, LT Brian Takacs. We talked yesterday for a short while and i mentioned to him that i would like to go on a trip for my approach hop and i didn't think he'd really bother...but surprise, surprise, today i find out, he had spoken to 2 other instructors and they have decided to bring me to California during the labour day weekend...boy, someone sure is looking out for me. And for all those who have mentioned me in their prayers, thank you so much from the bottom of my heart. I will not do my very best not to dissappoint anyone and will strive to get my wings, quit smoking and get home as soon as i can.

The road ahead is going to be a tough one, but i know lord that you are with me and will only give me what you know i can handle. Thank you, Lord Jesus!

Jermz - 1825/250706/2130P'cola

Who would have known...

Everyone goes through a period of time alone, the phrase called the 'cocoon stage'. Transitioning between a mere caterpillar and a butterfly...or in some cases...moths...

Prior to this, the caterpilla goes through life learning how it is to survive in the wild. Its peers are eaten up, stepped on, kept as a science experiment and some even get fortunate enough to star in fear factor, only to get eaten. So this caterpillar, the one who lives in the wild, and 'survives' its pathetic life, as a gross looking little insect, makes its way onto a branch, a twig or a leaf and after having had enough of the shit hole decides "hey, it's time for a retreat!" It wraps itself up and pulls himself away from society. All this time awaiting its return to the world. In this time, it brings together all it has learnt about life, all its past, all its possible future and misses greatly its family and friends.

Time in this cocoon is really hard. It gets threatened by the weather and predators. It is defenseless and scared out of its life. As another day passes, it plans on things it wants to see, things it wants to feel, things it wants to do..."will i be accepted when i return to my old life? will i meet another like me? what do i eat when i leave this cocoon? will i want to be a caterpillar again?"

Many questions cross its mind and to it, this is a huge gamble it has taken.

It knows that one fine day when it wakes up to stretch, the cocoon will burst open and it will have wings to fly freely and look beautiful...So every morning, it stretches. "Seems, today isn't the day!" It thinks about how its wings will affect its life...will it know how to fly? For now, it still hangs from under a leaf, hidden away from the world, and from the eyes of predators...knowing full well that oneday, oneday it will be free and home again...for now, the long tiring days and the morning stretches are all it can look forward to...and of cause, there is also its dreams and the keeping of its eyes closed every morning, hoping that when they're open, it is home it sees, the home it once knew...

The Person Who walked away...

The Artist - Random paintings of flashing thoughts...The girl of his dreams, the inspirator, the sunset, the music, the photography, the family, the history, the love, the pain...He ran out of paint, his pencils became blunt, he ran out of paper, he stopped thinking...

The Photographer - Still life, awkward angles, bright colours, beautiful eyes, music, silent lucidity, family, friends, smiles, tears, still motion...He ran out of money, time and his camera broke...

The Pious - Altar-boy, prayful individual, choir member, hymns player, advisor, counsellor, devout...His ideals were broken, his father left, his siblings fought, his friends betrayed...

The Athelete - Tried everything, ran around all day, stayed back to play sports, took part in many competitions, challenged himself...He ran out of steam, he was a jack of all trades and a master of none, beaten many times...

The Lover - Could not get anyone to commit, gave his all, fell flat on his face, gave up loving for the love of the other, lost the will to fight, been betrayed and cheated on too manyatimes, became hard, lost his sentimentalism, lost his heart, forced to give up on love by his loved ones...still looking, always jinxed...

The Musician - Never mastered any instrument, taught many, saw many become really good, not appreciated, not listened to, not giving up, been brought down many times and put in a spot too many times, to choose between music and love...

The Extrovert - Saw too many superficials going on, told to quiet down, kept a low profile, became a loner...

As he gets pounded on, gets stressed, gets sad, gets dissappointed...





...he thinks about all it could have been...

Reattacks done...Now to conversions...

Damn, it sure has been awhile since my last entry...

and i know somehow, this ain't gonna be a long one...

all i can say is...ARGH!!! This is so tough...day in, day out...6am wake, 1am sleep...

So tired, so steep the learning curve, so dim the light...

Hopefully, once i get though conversions, advance will not be so tough....

I pray all will be well at home, and that all will realise what each has faulted, i pray that eyes will open and see, ears will listen and not just hear, actions will speak and not just irritate...and all will wisen up...with his grace...

I pray i understand and execute all the right procedures, say what needs to be said, listen when i ought to, and never react without rethinking...

SMILE...for today has passed and tomorrow is arriving, SMILE...for he has let me taken this day at a time and i know tomorrow holds only what he knows i can take, SMILE...for the further i am from home, the closer i want to be...SMILE, for today i learnt something new and tomorrow i will be ready...SMILE, cos it cost nothing and yet means a whole lot...SMILE, for we all know your smile is better than mine...

So much to learn, so much to do, so much to jot down, so much to blog...

If you are reading this now, you are special to me...and i thought of you today...

...SMILE...

NOW THINK OF ME TOO...haha


-Jeron-

Patrick Lin, Moi, Seah Choon Leng, Aleah Zolenski

Batman, Moi, Aleah, Hong Ye, Kes and Robin (6 flags)

July 2006

A new month...So many things have happened...shifted out of the old place, had a huge quarrel with my buddy, mum went to hospital, jace gave birth, rome had an accident, seah got attrided and is going back, went to atlanta, geogia with Aleah, Hong Ye and Kes...didn't go too well, went to 6 flags amusement park, the largest aquarium in the world, geogia aquarium and world of coke, had very bad service at a chinese restaurnat, had some korean food...went to drink, no one was up to it, so drank myself tired...wanted to swim, pool was closed, HY's car broke down, crappy machine, argh...June was really bad, just really really bad all in all...i hope this month's a better month...

Everyone is self centered, self absorbed and selfish. It really is a dog eat dog world even for people who claim to be your 'brothers'...no more...i have been so used to calling all my buddies 'bro'...from today onwards, that name has to be earned...problems and arguments are created from just a couple of muddleheads who are to selfish and lazy to do things on their own. They expect to be treated in a certain way because they feel they deserve it...I HATE JC KIDS! all JC kids behave that way, they act as if they are a cut above the rest, they make you feel small and criticise your every move, they belittle you and insult you and where do they put the blame? on everyone else but their lack of braincells...I do not understand how these JC kids are trained or brought up but it seems to be a phenomenon...they are all unrealistic, unfilial, unworthy of friendship and fucking backstabbers...my whole life, i have had only bad encounters with JC kids, they are all about themselves...dissappointments after dissappointments...they put themselves so high on the pedestal that when they fall it becomes the fault of the world...wake up all you fucking kids...grow the fuck up, shut the fuck up and sit the fuck down...kids...erghh....

Let me site you an example, My friend Aleah was getting abit pissed that one of the JC kids was always not following directions and having to go round and round and round because he simply could not "keep in the left lane"...so she emphasized her point...he got pissed and started talking to his buddy and chinese saying stuff about her without her knowing...then the very next day when we went for dinner, he pretended that all was alright but every now and then poked fun at her in Chinese...JC KID!! Then there another JC kid who because of his fucked up attitude made me quarrel with my buddy...he was too damn fucking lazy for a week - emphasised A WHOLE DAMN WEEK - to go down to get stuff "HE WANTED" and when it was time for us to move out...all his stuff was still there...i said throw it all away, my buddy asked my to "go out of my way, to get it for him" WTF?!?! who do they think i am...and i had to rush because that was the day we left for atlanta...and no apologies, no gratitude at all...bastard....then...after the JC KID's car broke down he started to blame me for it?? WTF?? Saying it was because i used his cigarette lighter?!?! WTF lah! Never do a 15 point check prior to going, car breaks down because his battery is fucked up, now becomes my fault...and he calls himself a christian...those fucking guys from the church in Singapore that cons money out of it's people and uses God as an excuse...hypocrits...City Harvest bastards...

As you can see i have been really pissed with fucked up behaviour surrounding me...oh and i just rememebred, one of the JC kid, passed gouge to my american buddy just the evening prior to our test...and he didn't even tell me about it...didn't pass it to me, until my american buddy said he would call my class all over to go through the paper together that he started to worry and called all of us up saying he had passed it to my buddy for all of us...what a lamer...lame ass JC kid...but it is obvious to all what a fucker he is...and excuse me...but he's very typical of an indian...kena backstabbed by an indian before, thought he was different...same shit....not being racist or anything but indians who are well to do in life are all the same, it's those who wnet through shit that are alright...

I'm just so pissed with everything right now...and i'm keeping it all inside...waiting to explode...i want to beat somebody up...itchy for a fight...no one takes responsibility these days, they are all out for themselves...where has commaradarie gone to, brotherhood of men...why do people think that because they have had better education or have the chance to be better educated that they are better than the rest? and i go on...ranting, ranting, ranting...

Mum's sick, rome's badly hurt, jace kid's has jaundice...i just want to be at home now...i'm so torn up...i hate this place but have to be here, and i'm losing touch with my home...been so damn busy...and i have realised something that also seems to be a phenomenon...

All my exes, do fucking well in life after the break up! And i'm jinx to anyone who wants to get close to me...so now i pull away...shut myself in...i do not want to jinx anyone...i will be quiet and by myself...i will not communicate if not needed and will not share or show emotions...as of today...i am steel...cold and hard...till i get home...till i get home

Jermz
1825